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What housing would you want, if you believed it were possible?
What housing would you want, if you believed it were possible?
Picture your dream home. In our world full of Pinterest boards and Instagram posts, you might want more space, beautiful design, a lush yard to host gatherings where children and pets can play. Most people would throw in a few choice amenities (Japanese soaking tub, anyone?) and stop there.
But what if we asked more of our houses? At Frolic, we believe that community is the most important part of feeling at home. Imagine that your friends live next door and come over for dinner. They help out with chores and childcare, and a deep sense of friendship is something you experience every day, not only in hard-won moments on the weekend. You feel connected and supported, like you’re a part of something bigger than yourself. If you knew it were possible, would you want all that?
In a recent episode of The Ezra Klein Show, the host interviewed Rhaina Cohen, whose book “The Other Significant Others” tells the stories of people who put friendship at the center of their lives. Klein and Cohen discuss the idea of the nuclear family, the basic social and economic unit of a couple and their children, and the narrowly-defined American dream of a self-sufficient family living in a detached house.
As Cohen points out, the ‘working norm’ of the nuclear family is false. First of all, it’s not the norm; people only started living this way in the early 20th century. For the rest of human history, people have lived among their extended kin, relying on their community for help with food and caretaking. Second, and more importantly, it’s not working.
With fewer people getting and staying married, forty percent of children born to single parents, and half of Americans experiencing frequent loneliness, we have to admit that the nuclear family model isn’t working for the majority of us. In Cohen’s view, these concerning patterns are fallout from putting too much pressure on primary romantic relationships, expecting our partners to be the answer to every need, whether social, emotional, or financial. When people invest in their friendships alongside their primary relationship, a world of possibilities can open up. As Cohen puts it, the same principle that applies to finances also applies to relationships: “It’s good to diversify your portfolio!” This is well-known by many in queer communities, which are often sustained by strong networks of friendship in the face of discrimination. What can we learn from them?
Just as many people have a blind spot when it comes to relationships, underestimating the potential value of community, so many of us take too limited a view when it comes to housing. If we can admit that the status quo isn’t serving most people – including people without romantic partners, single parents, people who are aging alone, even people who are happily married but missing community – a space opens up where new possibilities can grow. At Frolic, we work within that space to create a framework for chosen family: a social, physical, and legal structure that empowers members to build trust, share ownership, and cultivate connection.
If we open ourselves up to the idea that we can depend on people who are not our romantic partners, life gets much richer. Next time you’re scrolling through house listings you can’t afford, lusting after a beautiful kitchen that opens onto a garden, ask yourself: wouldn’t this be so much better if I could share it with all my friends?
